Guess who’s coming to Christmas dinner?

We’re very near to the great festivus of Christmas, which will no doubt be marked by either feats of strength, feats of drunkenness or if you’re at my place, probably both. As we do my mind starts to picture more vividly the faces I’ll be staring into for a few hours over the turkey and tinsel at the centrepiece of the big day.

 And again, if you’re like me and starting to feel a growing dread at the thought, allow yourself on this almost Christmas Eve to imagine your place is different this year. This year, you get to choose who sits at your table. Dead or alive, real or imagined. You and nine others to bring in Christmas in 2016.

 Here’s my table.

1. Firstly, I’d like the guy there who was the root cause of all this fuss in the first place. So Jesus Christ get’s a seat and probably at the head of the table. I’ll bet he’ll just complain about the holes in his hands and feet and wonder what all the Christmas fuss is about.

2. I’d need someone there to take care of the food. Purists may have a Marco Pierre White or an Anthony Bourdain, but for me Nigella would be cooking Christmas dinner at my place. She may not be as decorated as others but you can bet her Christmas dinner would be fantastic and fun.

3. A musician would have to feature. This was a toss up between Bob Marley and John Lennon. Marley because I thought he would create just the right mood (as well as supplying the weed) and Lennon for his pop genius, wit and passion. In the end it’s John Lennon coming to my place.

4. And to keep things entertaining I’d invite someone funny. I’d love to hear Groucho Marx riffing at the dinner table but I like the way Ellen DeGeneres takes the piss out of other famous people, so she’s in.


5. And no all-star feast like this would be complete without a celebrity guest. Yes, one of the Kardashians is obvious but in honour of the woman who invented being famous for being famous, it has to be Zsa Zsa Gabor, rest in peace.

6. I thought Margaret Atwood would do justice in describing such interesting characters, but I want a memory that’ll make me belly laugh so P.J. O’Rourke gets the job of recording it all.

7. and 8. I couldn’t invite Jesus along without Mum and Dad so Joseph and Mary get a seat at the table.

9. And why hold a dinner like this if you can’t invite someone to pick on. Another toss up, this time between Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler. Some think Bieber’s killed his fair share of people with his music, but given JC is there I’d like to see how he handles Hitler and let’s face it, by the end of the night they’ll all beat the crap out of him which would be fun to watch.

Who’d make your Christmas Day wish list?

Yours, Noel

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