The Christmas Song

Last week Mary created a list of 7 Christmas songs that she thought were ready for retirement. Well thank Bing Crosby that one of the songs that didn’t make the list was “The Christmas Song” (otherwise known as – chestnuts roasting on an open fire).

I first came across this song in a scene from the 1985 Rob Reiner movie “The Sure Thing” starring John Cusack, when a drunken, overweight man rallies the other sad bar flies through a rendition of the song. Warm and funny, it was a far cry from the original version released by crooner Nat King Cole in 1946.

Penned by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé, it was inspired by the writer’s experience during a hot summer spell as a way to “stay cool by thinking cool.” Like many Christmas songs, other artists have recorded their own versions over the years, most recently by your favourite and mine, Justin Bieber.

And given I’m spending Christmas in hot and humid Brisbane, I’ve re-worded The Christmas Song to reflect the original intent of the tune and in anticipation of the sweltering Christmas I’m about to experience.

Apologies in advance to Bob and Mel, Nat, Rob and John, Justin and the fat guy at the bar, wherever you are.

Heat so fierce you think your hair’s on fire

Sweat streams pouring down your nose

Booze fuelled carols sung off tune by a choir

And your neighbours dressed like total schmos


Everybody knows, some creep who’s groped your mistletoe

You get in to a massive fight

Doing shots with your eyes all aglow

There’s no use in staying cool tonight


But let’s hope that Santa’s on his way

Cause if he ain’t I can’t afford to pay

For every screaming kid will whine

If they don’t unwrap a PS5


And so, I’m offering this simple phrase

To kids from one to ninety-two

Although it’s been said many times, many ways

Fuck this Christmas, and fuck you

 Yours, Noel

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