Dear Santa Claus
Thanks for your letter to Festive Treason yesterday. I can see how you’d like some help to lighten your load so here’s a few letters I’ve answered on your behalf.
Hope this helps big guy.
Dear Santa Clause
My Mumy and daDDy telled me you will leave lumps of cole coal in my Chriistmus stocking if I wuzn’t a good boy. I have been reelly reelly good and anyway mum and dad are bad too and not just once but lots of times.
Luv Nigel, (5)
You’re right Nigel. Your parents have been bad and definitely more than once this year. And they’ll get what they deserve. At least your Dad will. Please write to me again and tell me about the look on his face when he cleans his teeth on Christmas day with the toothbrush I shoved up my reindeer’s ass.
I was going to punish your Mum too, but she’s smoking hot so I decided to let her go. I’ll be keeping a close eye on her next year. As for you Nigel, yes you’ve been good and it’s nice of you to tell me about your parents, but no-one likes a tattle-tale son.
Of course I haven’t left you lumps of coal for Christmas. That never happens, but I did piss on your Christmas tree before I left your house. Hope you enjoy the presents and good luck for next year.
For Christmas can you please turn me into a unicorn?
Love, Steven (7)
What kind of person do you think I am? I’m a toymaker not a fucking magician. I can’t change you into something you’re not, but I can recommend a good gender therapist to your parents if your wishes to metamorphose continue.
I hope you enjoy the toy unicorn I made you for Christmas.
Dear Santa Claus
I feel sorry for the Elves that make all the toys for us boys and girls. If they are really little don’t they get tired especially on Christmas Eve?
Love Cynthia, (8)
I hate to burst your bubble honey but Elves and hard work aren’t exactly words I feel comfortable using in the same sentence. Sure, making all of the presents is a huge job but if I didn’t control the workforce properly it’d never happen.
You see, Elves might seem cute but they cause all forms of trouble. It’s dark a lot of the time here so these imps are partying hard a lot of the time. If they’re not drunk they’re high on some form of party drug. Ice is a particularly big problem in the North Pole.
I’ve spent many a day in the lead up to Christmas, wading through Elf vomit all over the factory floor, completing half finished toys that have been abandoned by hung-over Elves.
Not only that, the Elf union or CFMEU (Christmas Federation of Merrymaking Elves Union) have had me by the balls on wages and working conditions which makes it impossible to manage the little shits.
So don’t believe all the hype Cynthia. The Elves aren’t doing slave labour in some kind of northern hemisphere sweatshop. They’re having the time of their little lives.