Advice for a 1,600-year-old man

Dear Noel

I’m a little worried about my husband in the lead up to Christmas. Now over 1,600 years old, he’s been working so hard since the industrial revolution and keeping up with things in the digital age has placed even more stress on him. He’s getting stuck in more and more chimneys and can barely manage a HO, HO, HO without having to lie down.

I’ve tried all sorts of diets (see my list attached) but none seem to work.

Can you give me any advice on how to manage his health? I fear at this rate he’ll be dead before he’s 2,000?

Signed, Concerned Mrs Claus

 

Dear Mrs Claus

I understand the concern with your old man. As Mary from Festive Treason points out in an insightful piece yesterday, the big guy is no doubt already living with type 2 diabetes, and at his advanced age is a candidate for the rare type 4 diabetes. That’s where the afflicted starts to eat themselves from the toenails up.

Let’s approach the low hanging fruit first Mrs Claus (and that doesn’t mean he should try and eat it all). I’m guessing at the moment he starts his day with at least 2 or 3 whole, deep fried Panettone, so getting him out of this habit is a good start.

I see he’s tried quite a few diets over the years, but from your notes I’m not sure he’s really followed them to the intent to which they were designed. Lets take a look at some.

* The South Beach diet: contrary to popular opinion, this diet does not mean you can eat anything that washes up on the south beach of Florida.

* The 5 and 2 diet: no, this isn’t open slather to devour 5kg of fried chicken washed down with 2kg of his favourite lager.

* The Alkaline diet: despite what Santa’s been practising, this isn’t a diet where you can drink all the alcohol you like as long as it’s followed up by an hour of strenuous line dancing.

* The Zone diet: As a world traveller, I can see the big guy was using this as a way to eat whatever he damn well pleases in one time zone as long as he fasts in the next one.

* The TLC diet: Yep, it stands for Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes, not an excuse to exist solely on Tacos, Lasagne and Chips.

Mrs Claus I really think your beloved husband needs to toss out these fad diets and get back to basics with his approach. And with the environment being such a key issue today I can recommend a solution that will suit his lifestyle, consider environmental issues and get him back on the road to weighing just under a ton.

The Christmas Re-cycling diet. This is most like the Paleo diet but with a Christmas flavour. Literally.

Everywhere around your guy are the fruits (meats, and the vegetables) to get him on the right path.

Start with his every visit to homes around the world this Christmas. Based on Festive Treason’s research, at least 1 in 2 homes he visits will be displaying a real Christmas tree and he can use this as a basis for his diet. He can feed any snacks left by the good intentioned folk to the reindeer – more about this later.

Any real tree will contain enough nutrients in a few branches to keep him healthy and on the right path. You have plenty of Nutri-bullets at the North Pole. Pack one into the sleigh and the old boy can juice up a few branches along the way.

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As for those reindeer, well, it’s best not to get too attached to the beloved beasts because from now on, your hubby should be featuring reindeer meat as the focus of his diet.

Reindeer meat is low in fat and high in B-12, omega-3, omega-6 and essential fatty acids. Hell it’s better than fish and you’ve got herds of them wandering around your own backyard!

As I mentioned earlier, all of the good Santa snacks won’t go to waste, they’ll be good for fattening the reindeer up.

If your man can stick to this new regime like he can stick to wearing the same suit for over 1,000 years he’ll be well on the way.

Let’s talk again in the off-season about how he can keep that blubber off until next year.

Love your work Mrs Claus.

Yours, Noel

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