Eight carrots, surely?

Dear Mary

We always leave a little something out for Santa for a bit of a giggle – you know, just fun stuff like a cold beer, a fruit mince pie, some potato chips and a carrot for the reindeer – have you got any suggestions for how we might be able to make this a little more cosmopolitan this year? Traditions from other countries perhaps?

Signed, Changing-it-up


Dear Changing

Look, I’m worried about this too. The world’s most famous Type 2 Diabetes candidate and all of us leave out a pile of trans fats for him AND encourage him to hit the booze at the start of his shift?

And that’s almost what we are down here too you know. The beginning of a long night of work.

Santa starts his marathon effort (although in spite of how long a night it is, he does only work one night a year so cry me a river lard-arse) at Kiribati and heads west.

Since neither Noel nor I know any Kiribatians, let’s pretend he starts in New Zealand and consider what his consumption might be.

santa-beerIn NZ, which is like Australia but nicer to people, they’re leaving out a frosty Speight’s or a Tui (both excellent for practicing your Kiwi accent), but I’m going to suggest a push for the brilliantly-named brew from Wellington, Yeastie Boys this year.

Then Santa continues his course west to Australia where we will leave him a can of Fosters. It is a shit beer but he is a tourist, so it’s kind of tradition.

Once the man in red hits Japan though, he’ll know that any beer on offer will be good.

But in Korea, he gets to knock back a brew called “Hite”. Not only is this super-fun to add an “s” too (not hiteHites you idiots), but seems to employ a rather unfortunate Third Reich-inspired font on its label.

After Korea, the reindeer will point the sleigh west again, no doubt weaving all over the night sky as Santa tries valiantly to stay awake. Here he’ll be met with every bogan’s favourite t-shirt image, the Bintang beer in Denpasar. Perhaps he’ll get his hair braided as well or get a tattoo. Bali and alcohol is a dangerous mix.

From here on in, Santa should expect some greater variety and employ some greater caution.

santa-drinkingFermented yak’s milk in Ulaan Bataar, or a Raksi in Kathmandu. Mind you, there are so many mountain climbers sporting technical gear in Nepal that Santa may be presented with some horrendous freeze-dried meal that he’s meant to reconstitute over a portable stove.

In Dubai things will start looking up again and he’ll be offered the world’s most expensive alcohol – some goose has actually forked out over $3m for a single bottle of tequila. I hope they got some free burritos as well.

When Santa recounts his trip to the elves the next day, no doubt he’ll have hazy images of the hooch in Amsterdam, the Malbec in Buenos Aires, the cachaça in Rio de Janeiro and the party drugs in Miami, but I don’t envy him the hangover.

And please, before that happens, let’s be considerate to our fellow men and women, the 300 odd citizens of the USA who live in the guano-rich United States Minor Outlying Islands.

There are 8 of these islands and all but one are in the remote reaches of the Pacific Ocean, not far – by planetary standards – from the Kiribatians.

But these plucky USMOI citizens making a life on islands that are literally made of shit, will be the last to see Santa Claus on his trip around the planet.

And if you have your way, by the time he gets there, he’ll be cranky as a bear and only interested in a massive Powerade and a couple of Panadol. I don’t know about you, but I never feel too generous when I have a hangover so no doubt the children of the literally and figuratively crappy USMO Islands will be getting the crappiest gifts of all this year.

And every year.broccoli-tree

So how about you stop being so bloody selfish and think about those children and just leave Santa a nice glass of head-clearing water so he’s stays sober? And while you’re at it, keep your sugary snacks hidden so he doesn’t keel over or have a foot amputated before next Christmas. Ok?

And look, if you’re going to leave something for the reindeer, can’t you at least go to the effort of tracking down some tundra moss please? I think Ikea has it.

Yours, Mary





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