Decoration Frustration

Dear Noel, I’m sick of putting up the same old decorations at Christmas. Any alternative ideas?

Signed, Baubles

Dear Baubles

If your Christmas Days are anything like mine, rather than bright, glossy decorations that provide a colourful reminder of festive seasons past, their mirrored surfaces reflect the agony of yet of another year of failure. Your goals so gloriously unachieved, the disappointment you’ve been to family and friends and the wads of cash you’ve frittered away with nothing to show for it other than a bigger beer belly. Each year you say it’s going to be different, but it never is. And every year you get the same old box of Christmas junk out to try and plaster over your misery.


But it wasn’t always like this. Saint Boniface, an innovative and festive Monk apparently kicked off the concept of decorations when he introduced the Christmas tree to unsuspecting Germans around the 7th or 8th century. It was a way to symbolise the holy trinity through the fir tree’s triangular shape but found its true purpose as something solid the Christians could pass out under after several hours of drinking.

The idea caught on and once the frozen northern Europeans realised they could gorge on all the mulled wine they could drink on-tap inside, the first moves were made to bring trees under a roof, kick starting today’s tradition and sparking the eventual mass production of accompanying glass ornaments, tinsel and electronic lights that occupies your old box of junk.

Unfortunately, as The Clause clearly states, you’re bound to endure these Christmas day traditions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try and have some fun at the expense of your unwanted relatives whose stench surrounds you like a Christmas Carol ghost.

If Frank Costanza can get away with changing to an aluminium pole, I think there’s scope to re-think your Christmas tree and the rest of your decorations.

Provide some shocks for your annoying Christmas Day visitors. Re-wire your Christmas lights so they give your guests a real buzz. Make yours a marijuana tree on Christmas day. Or a beer can tree. Hang bacon off it instead of baubles.


Why? Well in the spirit of Saint Boniface, whose constituents probably thought was nuts for worshipping a Christmas tree, we need to innovate to keep this Festive Treason alive. And plus you need to make some joy for yourself before another miserable year begins again.

Yours, Noel

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