Common F***kinsense

Dear Noel

I’m sick of wasting my time and money giving Christmas gifts to people I can’t stand. Can you give me any ideas?

Signed, Scrooged

Dear Scrooged

Don’t feel bad about this.

We’ve been flooded with similar questions from people like you, wondering why we feel obliged to give gifts to people we either don’t like or barely know.

The irony is, the stuff you’re giving isn’t appreciated anyway. That dumb look on the faces of people receiving your gifts isn’t permanent like you thought it was. They’re as unimpressed as you are and the insincere rubbish you buy them will be clogging up a charity bin before you can start humming Auld Lang Syne.

 I say we end this farce and declare a moratorium on wasteful Christmas giving. But if you must, why not follow the tradition started by the three wise men and give only holy gifts at Christmas – Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh – GFM.

Giving GFM for Christmas might just catch on. GFM packs for Her. GFM packs for Him. GFM for your SO, and for every SOB you’re stuck buying Christmas gifts for each year.

And before you panic about giving the most expensive one – anything painted gold will do. The other two actually grow on trees and have plenty of uses for the people in your life.

Frankincense is an old elixir that’ll relieve stress, keep your toilets spotless and provide relief for a myriad digestive and stomach complaints, so you’ll literally be able to give your loved ones the shits with just a few drops in their eggnog.

Myrrh also has multiple uses, although it’s most renowned as an embalming solution for the dead, so for those in your Christmas circle getting closer to the grave, nothing will signify your appreciation more than a thoughtful gift of Myrrh.

You’ll feel good when you tell people you’re focusing on the true meaning and spirit of Christmas. You’ll feel great not having to spend money on people you can’t stand. And you’ll feel even better when you realise you have a shit load more money to splash on more important things, like yourself.

Yours, Noel

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