Sartorial Suckery

Dear Noel

When is it too early to drag out my favourite Christmas threads?

Signed, Suzie Sweaters

 

Dear Suz

Most of us have a built in sensor for when we’ve eaten too much Christmas pudding. Like overeating, the donning of untasteful Christmas dressing too early requires a healthy constraint. The early adoption of new technology can be cool. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of Christmas wear.

If this confusion isn’t recognised, once normal people can blur the line between the Christmas season and others to the point where they’re comfortable wearing reindeer-patterned clothing any day of the year.

It sounds like you’re teetering on that line, so to help here are some rules to keep you in check before you start wearing red-nosed ugg boots to the 7-11 out of season.

Firstly, these rules don’t apply to all. Kids under 12 and retirees (let’s say over 65) can pretty much wear anything they want, any time of year. Everyone else needs to follow some decorum.

If rules aren’t followed, the trend of gawdy Christmas clothing spreads as easily as a zombie apocalypse, so we all have a duty to stop and correct anyone we see wearing such attire. This applies to everyone, whether you know them or not.

For women, adorning Christmas earrings is a no-no. For men, wearing a Christmas tie is out. For both, if the ornament lights up, this is particularly heinous and sign of a serious problem.

Any one wearing antlers (hard or soft) or Rudolph red noses, especially in the workplace should be frowned upon and counselled accordingly. Again, if the Rudolph nose lights up this is one of the more common red flags so it’s permitted to seek professional assistance in de-nosing the offender. It has been known for police Tasers to be required in extreme cases to help arrest ugly Christmas attire so don’t be afraid to call the authorities if need be.

And despite Christmas wear coming on sale at your local K-Mart from September, there is no excuse to buy it this early. Timing is everything, so no Christmas attire should be worn before 25 November at the earliest. There is a loophole that can be exploited here if you’re attending a Christmas party prior to this date, but the other rules still apply.

End of season is strictly close of business Christmas Day, Boxing Day if you must, but not under any circumstances should you venture outside.

Yours, Noel

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