Office Christmas Party

Dear Noel

I’ve been picked to run the office Christmas party this year, but my uptight workplace is damn hard to please? What should I do?

Signed, Party Patrick

Dear Pat,

Mate, my commiserations getting lumbered with this job. Time you started keeping a lower profile at work! In the meantime here are some tips on how to come out looking good on the other side of this one.

At Festive Treason we’re all about setting goals. Yours should be to have the “never to run Christmas Party again” stamp on the front page of your personnel file. To achieve this you’ll need to devise strategies to account for the three main work groups – your Executive Team, Middle Management and then everyone else who actually does all the work.

The Executive Team detests every other human who aren’t on the Executive Team. Like the bad guys trying to kill the humans in The Matrix, their goal is to spend as little time with the other humans as possible. You don’t want them to see any of the shit you’re going to pull at the party so you need them out of there pronto. Besides they’ll take up any excuse to leave early. Fake a bomb scare at the venue and they’ll take advantage of the confusion, fleeing the party to never return. This group detest public transport so they’ll be speeding off in their luxury cars in no time.

The Workers will initially love this. Free from the shackles of their masters they’ll hit it hard once they return to the venue, only to find an avalanche of booze with no food to go with it. Blame this on budget cuts by Middle Management. Workers will get so drunk, they’ll eventually snog, insult and punch each other silly. As they’ll only remember the good stuff, you can invent stories of bad behaviour that can hang over them for years. The stain of the poorly behaved at a Christmas party never fades.

Middle management are the most difficult to piss off. These arseholes have spent their career jostling for a position at the grown ups table, and their used to being screwed over. Any knife you put into their back, they’ll pull out with a smile and use to spread their Christmas dip so you need to stitch them up carefully. Do this by deflecting all party complaints to them. Here’s how.

Pre party, make sure you circulate a survey asking staff for their ideas. The top brass will love to see this and you can then blame the survey for anything lame at your party. On the eve of the party, pick the Middle Manager you like the least and have her or him sign what they think is a sucky Christmas card to the boss but is really your survey recommendations. I’m sure you’ll work out a way to do this Pat. Good luck!

Yours, Noel

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